Self Harm

Needless to say I didn't write a list.

But today I did cut myself. Which isn't something I've done before, or even considered, but for some reason this week it's been a big part of my mind. I bought some razor blades earlier in the week during my lunch hour at work. It was really weird. I was walking into Boots, buying some razors just normally I guess, all the time knowing I was going to use them to cut myself but without any sort of control. It was just that it what I was going to do. And part of me was thinking this is really fucking stupid, but that part of me wasn't able to influence my actions. And then tonight on the way home from work I stopped off to buy some Savlon cream and some plasters, again purely because I knew tonight I was going to cut myself. And I didn't know why. And then shortly after I got in I broke one of the razors in half and just scratched across my forearm slightly. It wasn't a major cut, it wasn't long or deep but it was a cut. A small little reservoir on my arm, initally empty, and then I watched it fill and then overflow with blood. And at this point I felt nothing. It didn't hurt. I didn't even know I'd cut myself when I first lifted the razor.

But now I've done it, do I feel any different? No, no I don't. Nothings changed, apart from I've got a big plaster on my arm. Oh well.

Advice

There is one person I can sort of talk to about stuff and I got this message from them today...

stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself because it achieves absolutely nothing. i appreciate that there are factors in your life that you can't change (like having depression or whatever) and they an be really hard to get over but there are also other factors you CAN change and to sit there as if your'e a passive victim to life is completely disingenuous and obviously not true. if you don't like your body do something about it, if you don't like your job do something about it, if you want to be a teacher go and fucking do it. don't act like you're pathetic and worthless because you're absolutely not 

which I suppose is sort of true. Although the last bit about not actually being pathetic and worthless I'd disagree with based on how I'm feeling today.

Anyway, they then came back with this

tomorrow

or now

NOW

make alist

of everything in your life you want to change

get the elements that are within your control to change

and make smaller lists

with smaller goals

that you can work towards

and itll make you feel better

and you can do something productive

 

Which sounds a decent idea I think. If I can be bothered to do it or not though is something totally different. Hope is long gone really of anything ever changing at the moment.

If I do make a list I'll put it up here tomorrow, and although it's not as if anyone else will see it, by having it out there online hopefully will encourage me to actually work on it...

Nothing to do

Today was a shitty day. I think it was mainly because I had nothing really to do at work, and not doing anything productive, or not having any to distract me, often brings me down. I just really didn't want to be there, with those people. Not that's there's anything wrong with who I work with, I think it just people in general really I wanted to get away from. I am much more comfortable in general on my own, I have to say. Not really sure why, which is a bit of a problem.

Presuming I can last out until I go to sleep tonight this is the third day in a row without any take away food, which obviously isn't much really but for me it's not too bad. This afternoon when I was feeling particularly down I did start to think that I could get sausage & chips for £2.10 on the way home, but after checking my wallet found I didn't have enough cash on me. If I'd had the money I don't know if I would have had the will power in all honesty. But I didn't, so I can tick another day off of saving money and not being quite so grotesquely fat and all that.

Friday is my next 'One to One' at work. Not looking forward to it. Hate them, hate them, hate them. For starters it's, as the name suggests, a one-on-one conversation off in a meeting room and I'm not a great fan of that sort of social setting anyway. Added to that is the actual content of the talk, which is generally my manager telling me how shit I am. That's perhaps a slight exaggeration, but that's how I interpret it. Last month was mainly about how I need to be more positive and a team player and that sort of shit. As the only person at work who I've told I'm on Prozac for him to tell me to be more positive I thought was taking the piss, frankly, but I didn't say anything, as what would be the point? I'm too good for this fucking job anyway, I know I am. But my self doubt is crippling enough for me to find the idea of me actually doing anything better pretty impossible. At least by June I'll have paid off the bank loan I have, so I won't have any more what I would call 'proper' financial commitments to worry about so I'll at least have the freedom to quit and start something I'll get something more from.

Circles

One thing I need to stop doing is getting take away food. I don't know why I do it other than out of habit. If I have a shit day I'll think "hey, I'll get a take away to cheer myself up", and if I have a good day I'll think "hey, I'll reward myself with a take away". Or even, "hey, it's Saturday. Let's get a take away".

And then when I get it I wouldn't really say I enjoy it as such, and then afterwards I'm struck with such feelings of guilt and self loathing because financially I shouldn't really be spending nearly £20 at domino's or where ever for one meal when I can spend £20 and feed myself for a whole week. And then of course there's the fact that the food itself is so unhealthy, and considering such a large part of my self disgust is reserved for my physical appearance I'm not exactly doing myself any favours by scoffing a large pizza and bottle of coke.

I really need to improve my will power and discipline. Hopefully keeping track of things on this blog in the coming year will help that.

Why A New Blog

I've often thought about starting a blog, due to the fact I used to enjoy writing and don't really do much any more and, obviously, due to my enormous ego that presumes that surely someone - one! - would be desperately fascinated by whatever I had to say on whatever subject. However, my ego is fragile enough that when 24 hours would go by without anyone reading whatever I'd posted I'd just abandon the whole thing as a bad idea.

But with this blog, I have no aspirations of it actually being read. If anyone does then fine, but I'm doing this really for me. Part record keeping and part self analysis, depending how pretentious I end up feeling.

The reason I want to do this now is that I have been diagnosed as being moderately-to-severely depressed. Which I know isn't anywhere near as bad as a lot of people have it, and I've no desire to self harm or anything like that and although suicide does crop up as an option now and then within my internal dialogue it's really not a option I feel I'd take, out of fear and guilt more than anything else.

I've been seeing a guy at the doctors surgery who's been counselling me with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy stuff. Which hasn't really worked and he's decided there's nothing more he can do with me and is referring me off to psychotherapy, which I presume will be like a Woody Allen film but without the jokes. Or at least not as good ones. When I'll actually end up seeing this new therapist or if I'll be able to ask work for the time off to see them - as I don't think I'd be able to squeeze it into lunch breaks as I have done with the CBT stuff - God only knows.

So to sort of describe where I am with the whole depression stuff... I basically don't like myself. I'm a complete failure in pretty much every aspect of existence. I have an extremely mediocre job on an extremely mediocre wage and I can't see myself getting anywhere there in terms of a career advancement as I don't think I'm especially liked by those who'd make those decisions. I was told last Monday quite firmly I need to start being more 'positive'. For fucks sake... And this was from my line manager who is the only person there who knows I'm on anti-depressants as I felt I had to tell him when I was first put on them in case I had any side affects such as sickness or whatever that might have affected work. I do data entry and admin shit. How positive can anyone be? Especially when I'm on a fucking action plan because my data entry isn't good enough. So as much as I feel I'm wasting myself in this job, I also feel I probably can't do anything else, because if I can't even do this well enough what the fuck else can I do?

I just feel empty. I don't do anything. I don't enjoy anything so I have no enthusiasm to do anything. I feel either nothing or shit. It's a barrel of laughs. The only thing I get any sort of pleasure from is listening to music. Everything else just passes the time but I don't feel I get anything from. It's like my head's in fog stopping my thoughts. I'm sure I used to be a lot sharper and quicker than I am now, but it's been like this for so long I don't know when. And no one seems to notice or care. But why should they? I barely care myself.

Anyway, that's the first rant out of the way. My plan at the moment is to start regular updates in the new year and see how long I can maintain interest.