Self Harm

Needless to say I didn't write a list.

But today I did cut myself. Which isn't something I've done before, or even considered, but for some reason this week it's been a big part of my mind. I bought some razor blades earlier in the week during my lunch hour at work. It was really weird. I was walking into Boots, buying some razors just normally I guess, all the time knowing I was going to use them to cut myself but without any sort of control. It was just that it what I was going to do. And part of me was thinking this is really fucking stupid, but that part of me wasn't able to influence my actions. And then tonight on the way home from work I stopped off to buy some Savlon cream and some plasters, again purely because I knew tonight I was going to cut myself. And I didn't know why. And then shortly after I got in I broke one of the razors in half and just scratched across my forearm slightly. It wasn't a major cut, it wasn't long or deep but it was a cut. A small little reservoir on my arm, initally empty, and then I watched it fill and then overflow with blood. And at this point I felt nothing. It didn't hurt. I didn't even know I'd cut myself when I first lifted the razor.

But now I've done it, do I feel any different? No, no I don't. Nothings changed, apart from I've got a big plaster on my arm. Oh well.