I've often thought about starting a blog, due to the fact I used to enjoy writing and don't really do much any more and, obviously, due to my enormous ego that presumes that surely someone - one! - would be desperately fascinated by whatever I had to say on whatever subject. However, my ego is fragile enough that when 24 hours would go by without anyone reading whatever I'd posted I'd just abandon the whole thing as a bad idea.
But with this blog, I have no aspirations of it actually being read. If anyone does then fine, but I'm doing this really for me. Part record keeping and part self analysis, depending how pretentious I end up feeling.
The reason I want to do this now is that I have been diagnosed as being moderately-to-severely depressed. Which I know isn't anywhere near as bad as a lot of people have it, and I've no desire to self harm or anything like that and although suicide does crop up as an option now and then within my internal dialogue it's really not a option I feel I'd take, out of fear and guilt more than anything else.
I've been seeing a guy at the doctors surgery who's been counselling me with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy stuff. Which hasn't really worked and he's decided there's nothing more he can do with me and is referring me off to psychotherapy, which I presume will be like a Woody Allen film but without the jokes. Or at least not as good ones. When I'll actually end up seeing this new therapist or if I'll be able to ask work for the time off to see them - as I don't think I'd be able to squeeze it into lunch breaks as I have done with the CBT stuff - God only knows.
So to sort of describe where I am with the whole depression stuff... I basically don't like myself. I'm a complete failure in pretty much every aspect of existence. I have an extremely mediocre job on an extremely mediocre wage and I can't see myself getting anywhere there in terms of a career advancement as I don't think I'm especially liked by those who'd make those decisions. I was told last Monday quite firmly I need to start being more 'positive'. For fucks sake... And this was from my line manager who is the only person there who knows I'm on anti-depressants as I felt I had to tell him when I was first put on them in case I had any side affects such as sickness or whatever that might have affected work. I do data entry and admin shit. How positive can anyone be? Especially when I'm on a fucking action plan because my data entry isn't good enough. So as much as I feel I'm wasting myself in this job, I also feel I probably can't do anything else, because if I can't even do this well enough what the fuck else can I do?
I just feel empty. I don't do anything. I don't enjoy anything so I have no enthusiasm to do anything. I feel either nothing or shit. It's a barrel of laughs. The only thing I get any sort of pleasure from is listening to music. Everything else just passes the time but I don't feel I get anything from. It's like my head's in fog stopping my thoughts. I'm sure I used to be a lot sharper and quicker than I am now, but it's been like this for so long I don't know when. And no one seems to notice or care. But why should they? I barely care myself.
Anyway, that's the first rant out of the way. My plan at the moment is to start regular updates in the new year and see how long I can maintain interest.
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