Advice

There is one person I can sort of talk to about stuff and I got this message from them today...

stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself because it achieves absolutely nothing. i appreciate that there are factors in your life that you can't change (like having depression or whatever) and they an be really hard to get over but there are also other factors you CAN change and to sit there as if your'e a passive victim to life is completely disingenuous and obviously not true. if you don't like your body do something about it, if you don't like your job do something about it, if you want to be a teacher go and fucking do it. don't act like you're pathetic and worthless because you're absolutely not 

which I suppose is sort of true. Although the last bit about not actually being pathetic and worthless I'd disagree with based on how I'm feeling today.

Anyway, they then came back with this

tomorrow

or now

NOW

make alist

of everything in your life you want to change

get the elements that are within your control to change

and make smaller lists

with smaller goals

that you can work towards

and itll make you feel better

and you can do something productive

 

Which sounds a decent idea I think. If I can be bothered to do it or not though is something totally different. Hope is long gone really of anything ever changing at the moment.

If I do make a list I'll put it up here tomorrow, and although it's not as if anyone else will see it, by having it out there online hopefully will encourage me to actually work on it...

Nothing to do

Today was a shitty day. I think it was mainly because I had nothing really to do at work, and not doing anything productive, or not having any to distract me, often brings me down. I just really didn't want to be there, with those people. Not that's there's anything wrong with who I work with, I think it just people in general really I wanted to get away from. I am much more comfortable in general on my own, I have to say. Not really sure why, which is a bit of a problem.

Presuming I can last out until I go to sleep tonight this is the third day in a row without any take away food, which obviously isn't much really but for me it's not too bad. This afternoon when I was feeling particularly down I did start to think that I could get sausage & chips for £2.10 on the way home, but after checking my wallet found I didn't have enough cash on me. If I'd had the money I don't know if I would have had the will power in all honesty. But I didn't, so I can tick another day off of saving money and not being quite so grotesquely fat and all that.

Friday is my next 'One to One' at work. Not looking forward to it. Hate them, hate them, hate them. For starters it's, as the name suggests, a one-on-one conversation off in a meeting room and I'm not a great fan of that sort of social setting anyway. Added to that is the actual content of the talk, which is generally my manager telling me how shit I am. That's perhaps a slight exaggeration, but that's how I interpret it. Last month was mainly about how I need to be more positive and a team player and that sort of shit. As the only person at work who I've told I'm on Prozac for him to tell me to be more positive I thought was taking the piss, frankly, but I didn't say anything, as what would be the point? I'm too good for this fucking job anyway, I know I am. But my self doubt is crippling enough for me to find the idea of me actually doing anything better pretty impossible. At least by June I'll have paid off the bank loan I have, so I won't have any more what I would call 'proper' financial commitments to worry about so I'll at least have the freedom to quit and start something I'll get something more from.